What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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