I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
