I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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