can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
