I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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