What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
