Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
