My friends, they love my intelligence
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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