Duck Duck Cougar?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize