some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize