Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
