I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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