Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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