He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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