The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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