i don't like sucking hair
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
