Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
