Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
