you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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