and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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