my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
