I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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