I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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