maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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