I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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