the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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