Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize