I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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