I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
