I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
