my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
