I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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