First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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