I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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