she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
