me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize