from now on my penis is your penis
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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