bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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