I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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