Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
