Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize