Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
