So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
