I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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