Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
