When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i think i have two assholes
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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