Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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