Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
