Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
