I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
my being single is dangerous.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize