i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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