Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize