Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
