he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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