i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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