I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
